Secrets (Passion Shields) Read online

  And she wasn't sure why? Perhaps it was because he hadn't held her across his lap this time. Whatever the reason, a new level of satisfaction bloomed in her chest. This was a huge step for her and their relationship. Her bum was tender. But she was happy.

  Using a soothing salve, he'd gently massaged it into her sore backside taking some of the sting of the paddle away. It would still ache for a day or so.

  Lifting her up, he carried her into the bedroom and placed her on the bed. The bulge in his trousers looked painfully huge. He must've seen her staring as he chuckled lightly.

  "As much as I'd like to make love to you right now, you need to eat. And so do I."

  He walked to the bathroom and came back with the toweling robe. He opened and held it up.

  "Oh." She frowned, hesitating. "I need you, Benjamin."

  "I know. Food first. I also need to talk to you. Something came up."

  The tone of his voice indicated it was something serious. She stood from the bed and walked to him, her earlier unease returning.

  "What is it?" she asked as she slipped her arms into the sleeves of the robes.

  "We'll talk at the table," Ben said, his breath warm and tickling her neck as he wrapped the robe around her front and tied the sash for her.

  His arms squeezed her body in a hug that was both comforting and tender. When he released her he took her hand.

  "Come on." He tugged her, and she followed him out.

  She went into the dining room to set the table while he went to the kitchen. He came back with the boxes of food still in the warmer. He placed them on the table. She transferred the food into the dishes.

  He sat at the end of the table, and she sat in the first chair on the right side. Silently they ate for a while. She enjoyed this part of their Saturday ritual as much as she enjoyed the rest. This quiet companionship, watching each other attentively, listening to the sound of their heartbeats and crockery, it was soothing. He'd said he wanted to talk to her, so she waited until he was ready to say what was on his mind.

  "I got an email today."

  "An email?" She snorted. "Welcome to the twenty-first century, caveman."

  His warm laughter echoed in the room. "Hey, trouble. Be quiet before I go all caveman on you."

  She covered her mouth, stifling her giggles. "Okay. Sorry. Who was the email from, and what was it about?"

  He eyed her for a minute and continued. "Uncle Leonard sent me an email. Well, his secretary did. I'm being summoned to Johannesburg."

  "Summoned?" She resisted the urge to laugh. "Does anybody in your family know how to ask anything nicely?"

  He raised one curved brow in a mix of surprise and warning.

  "Anyway, that aside," she continued. "Why is he summoning you?"

  "The email didn't say much, but Beatrice seems to think he is unwell."

  "Oh … then you have to go and see him."

  He stayed silent, just watching her.

  "What is it about your uncle that sets your teeth on edge, Ben? Talk to me."

  "He is a mean and vile man. Sometimes I wish he wasn't my uncle."

  He took a sip from his tall glass of water before continuing.

  "My father died when I was a little child, and Beatrice was no more than a baby. As a boy I looked up to Uncle Leonard as a father figure until I saw him for who he truly was—a bully who preyed on the weak. He's a man you don't want to cross. He crushed those who opposed him with his army of mercenaries. When we weren't busy fighting for those he wanted in power, we were fighting his personal wars. Walking away from him and my family legacy was one of the hardest things I did."

  His voice roughened with emotions. She'd never heard Benjamin this agitated before. Reaching across, she covered his right hand with left one, offering comfort.

  "I told you my uncle and I haven't been getting along for a few years."

  "Yes, but you didn’t say why."

  His Adam's apple bopped as he swallowed.

  "Years ago when I lived in South Africa, I had a thing for this girl whose mum used to work for us."

  Her disquiet rose. She withdrew her hand from Ben's.

  "Was it serious?" She feigned nonchalance, but her chest constricted at the idea that Ben had loved someone else.

  "I was a young man, and Siba was a really nice girl. In those days, I had these wicked urges, and she was the only one who could handle them, who understood them."

  Selina gripped the seat of her chair tightly. It was one thing to find out that Benjamin liked another girl but quite another to know that they'd had the kind of relationship she now shared with him.

  Jealousy roiled in her belly, rising to her throat and leaving a bitter taste on her tongue.

  "So what's it got to do with your uncle?" she asked, wanting to move the story along so she didn’t have to hear anymore about his great relationship with the girl.

  "Bea saw me with Siba and Chris once and told my uncle, who sacked the girl's mother and sent them away."

  She had stopped listening after she heard Chris.

  "You mean you and Chris slept with the girl?"

  "In those days, we went as a double act." She should've read meaning into the curious stare he gave her. Yet all she could picture in her mind was Ben and Chris with this girl, inflaming her jealous rage.

  "Anyway, that's hardly the point."

  "What is?"

  "I confronted my uncle about sending her away, and some things he said about her were very unpalatable. And I know he doesn't approve of my marriage to you."

  "He hasn't even met me."

  "That doesn't matter to him. He is a dinosaur who believes in preserving the purity of the white race. He thinks I married you as revenge for Siba."

  "What? You mean your uncle is a racist."

  "That's why we fell out."

  "And now you've married me to get back at him."

  She pushed back her chair.

  "Selina, wait. I—"

  "No. I won't. I don't want to hear any more."

  She pushed open the door and stormed out. It took all her willpower not to bang the door shut.

  How could Benjamin not tell her something this crucial before he married her? Of course she wouldn’t have married him if she'd known her in-laws would turn out to be card-carrying members of the Aryan nation.

  She walked to their bedroom and locked the door when she got inside. She needed some space to think. Words, images swirled in her mind, threatening to blow the lid off the tightly sealed cauldron of her past.

  In the bathroom she turned on the shower and stepped under it. It was a quick wash before she got out and dressed in a pair of black jeans and white t-shirt. She wasn't going to wear what he wanted her to wear today. She'd effectively called an end to play day. She was brushing out her hair when there was a knock in the door.

  "Ben, I don't want to talk to you right now," she said.

  "It's not Ben. It's Beatrice." The reply came.

  "Oh, hang on."

  She unlocked the door. Ben's sister stood in the hallway. Selina peeked out but didn’t see Ben.

  "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Beatrice asked.

  "Sure. Come in."

  She moved aside so Beatrice could walk in. Her sister-in-law strode to the bed and sat on it.

  Selina shut the door again.

  "I'm sorry, but I heard the two of you arguing and now Ben is sitting in the living room, looking like a storm is about to hit him. I hope I wasn't the reason you were fighting."

  "What do you care anyway?" She really wasn't in the mood to suck it up any more.

  "Look, I know we didn't exactly start off on the right foot. But Ben is my brother, and I love him. And it seems you make him happy."

  Beatrice's words earned her a reprieve, and Selina bit back from laying into her. She sighed.

  "The argument wasn't about you, if you must know."

  "Then it must be about Uncle Leonard. Don't let him come between the two of you. I know Uncle Leonard i
sn't exactly everyone's cup of tea. But he just needs to adjust to the fact that Ben has changed and is married to you."

  "Hang on a minute. What do you mean by Ben has changed? Changed from what?"

  "You should know this already since you're from Sierra Leone. Isn't that where you two met years ago?"

  "No. I only met him last year." Selina frowned; the earlier niggle returning to prick her mind. There were still missing pieces to the Benjamin jigsaw puzzle. "I mean, I know he's mentioned he's been to Sierra Leone, but we didn't meet there."

  "Okay. When he worked for my uncle, he was sent to Sierra Leone as a mercenary. Uncle Leonard is one of the biggest arms dealers in Africa. Anywhere there's a war in Africa, you can be sure Moss PLC has supplied half of the weapons. And he has his own army, which Benjamin used to be a part of. Anybody could basically pay them to fight their war for them. But when he came back he was a changed man. It was after that he had a huge fight with our uncle and moved to London. Luckily he was born in the UK, so he had a British passport and the transition was easy for him."

  Ben had supplied weapons for the Sierra Leonean war? The same war that had destroyed her life as she knew it? The churning in Selina's stomach increased, and she fought not to throw up her dinner.

  "Are you okay?" Beatrice asked, concern lacing her voice.

  "I need to get out of here," Selina said.

  Still stunned by the information she'd just received, she staggered to the closet and snatched her hand bag and shoes. Then she was walking out the room.

  "Where are you going?"

  She ignored the question and headed down the hallway toward the door. As she walked past the entrance to the living room she caught a glimpse of Ben with another dark haired woman she didn't recognize.

  The ball of emotions inside her chest swelled, taking on gargantuan proportions. Jealousy, anger, and revulsion rolled over in one huge avalanche.

  She punched the code to open the door. Her hands shook so hard and her eyes misted. The door didn't open.

  "What's going on?" It was Ben's deep voice behind her.

  "I don't know," Beatrice said, concern lacing her voice. "I was just talking to her about Sierra Leone, and she suddenly picked up her bag and walked out."

  "Sierra Leone. Why the hell did you have to bring that up?" he snapped at his sister.

  "I was only trying to help." She sounded offended.

  A hand settled on Selina's right shoulder. Her body recognized the weight and warmth of Ben's touch and quickened. She hated herself for responding to him even when she shouldn’t.

  "Don't—" She flinched. "—touch me."

  She swiveled to face him, fiddling with the link on the bracelet on her wrist, but she couldn't undo it. Damn, shaky hands!

  "You know what, take this off." She lifted her arm.

  He stared at her, his gaze like lightning.

  "You don't mean that." His voice was too quiet, like the calm before the storm.

  "Yes, I do." She knew exactly what it meant to wear this bracelet, and right now she could not bear to look at it. "I can't wear it because I don’t trust you." The illusion it created in her mind was false. This was no safe haven for her. "And if I didn't have to wait ‘til the final decision from the home office about Kaya, I'd be chucking the wedding band at you right now, too."

  His body was so still apart from the tick of muscles in his jaw.

  "Take it." She flicked her wrist at him again.

  Quietly, he reached out and unclipped the bracelet. It dangled from his fingers.

  "You can give it to her." She nodded in the direction of the dark-haired woman. "She looks like she wants it a lot more than I do."

  Selina turned around to try the door again, but a tight band of fingers gripped her upper arm.

  "This is what you do best, isn't it?" Ben bit out through clenched jaws. "Running instead of facing your fears. But the truth is that you can never outrun them. They live inside you growing every day into giant monsters when you can choose to reduce them to the size of ants and crush them. But no, we can't hurt sensitive Selina."

  "I'll have you know, you're not the only one hurting, Selina. But do you care? No. You've just shown me that you don't."

  Mouth opened, she stood there staring at her husband livid with anger for the first time since they'd been married. He reached behind her and punched in the key code furiously. She heard the door click open.

  "Go on then, run, Selina. Run, if it makes you feel better."

  Chapter Nine

  "Everything is going to be all right, you know," Lora said.

  Selina sat on the chocolate print sofa in her old house in Finchley, a North London suburb, her head on her best friend's shoulders as she fought not to break into another bout of sobbing. Lora's magic fingers worked magic on her tense shoulders.

  On arrival, Selina had already been physically sick. Her emotions raged, a stormy sea, choppy and dangerous. She raised her head.

  "How's that?" she asked, her voice choked with sentiment. "First I find out I'm not as special as I thought I was to him. Then he tells me his uncle is a white supremacist. Come on!"

  "And if all that isn't bad enough, if I could forgive him for all that. How can I get past the knowledge that while my family and friends were being killed, Benjamin and his family were making money from all the weapons killing them?"

  "It really is a hard pill to swallow, Lina."

  "To think that all this while I've been living in his apartment, bought with blood money. I can't live there anymore."

  Shuddering, she covered her face with both hands.

  "It's a good thing you kept your room here. You can always move back in."

  Selina lifted her hands and nodded.

  Lora scrunched her face up. "But what are you going to do about Kaya's visa application? You're supposed to be living with Ben. What if someone from immigration pays you a visit?"

  Selina stood and paced the room. The familiar scent of cherry blossoms from the air freshener surrounded her.

  "I really don't know what I'm going to do," Lina said.

  Resigned, she sat down again and picked up one of the violet velvet scatter cushion, hugging it to her midriff.

  "Why did I let another man con me? Stupid me. You would've thought that after everything I went through the first time around I wouldn’t let myself be deceived by another man."

  "In this case, you weren't the only one who was deceived. I genuinely thought Ben loved you. The adoring way he looked at you on your wedding day, I would've given anything to have a man look at me that way."

  Selina snorted. "Ben doesn't love me. He is very good at putting on an act."

  "I don't know, Lina. What I saw looked genuine enough. Are you sure he hasn't moved on from his past? Perhaps that's why he fell out with his uncle."

  "Even if he has moved on, it doesn't mean that he doesn't have blood on his hands."

  "I know—"

  A phone buzzing interrupted her. Selina reached in her bag and pulled out her phone. The caller display indicated it was her husband. She put the phone on the sofa.

  "I don't want to talk to him."

  Lora picked the phone up. "Do you mind if I talk to him?"

  She shrugged. "Be my guest."

  Her friend answered the call and put it on speaker phone.

  "Hi, Ben. It's Lora."

  "Hi, Lora. I take it that Selina is with you."

  "Yes, she's here. But she doesn't want to talk to you."

  "That's okay. I was expecting that. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. She left the apartment without saying where she was going. Since it's almost midnight, I needed to make sure she was safe."

  "She's fine. Well, as fine as she can be considering."

  "No problem. When she wants to talk, I'll be here. There are things I need to say to her, but I'd prefer to talk one-to-one. Anyway, whatever she decides, I will still fulfill my obligations to her."

  Selina gasped, taken by surprise by his
candid words.

  "Selina?"

  "Hold on," Lora said and put the phone on mute.

  "Talk to him please, Selina."

  She shook her head.

  Lora sighed and un-muted the phone. "I'm sorry, Ben. She refuses to talk."

  "I'm sorry, too," he replied. "Good night, Lora."

  The phone line went dead.

  "You know you're going to have to talk to him soon. If he didn't care as you said, he wouldn’t be calling to make sure you're okay."

  "It will have to be later because I don't want to speak to him right now. I'm going to bed."

  However, sleep proved elusive. She got up in the middle of the night, watching movies and eating ice cream. She couldn't keep Ben out of her mind, rolling playback on their time together.

  There'd been nothing erratic about him, so perhaps it was unfair comparing him to her ex who'd been a scheming coward.

  While Ben was determined, he was never manipulative. Even now curled up in bed she missed his warmth, his soothing words, and his safety.

  That's it! She'd always felt safe with him. The Ben she knew could never knowingly cause harm to innocents, could he?

  She needed to talk to him.

  Only managing an hour's sleep, she called a taxi when she woke up just after dawn. It would be an expensive ride back to Chelsea. But, she needed to see Ben.

  She showered and dressed in the same clothes she'd worn the previous evening. After a weepy goodbye to her friend, she headed back to the apartment in the taxi.

  "Good morning, Mrs. Moss." Martin greeted her.

  "Morning, Martin." She smiled at the man before entering the lift. In the foyer outside their front door she hesitated before keying in the lock code, apprehension knotting her belly.

  Taking a few deep breaths, she pushed the door open. Silence greeted her. Slipping her shoes off so she didn’t wake any one, she padded quietly past the empty living room, toward the master suite. Ben wasn't in there, and the bed was still made like he hadn't slept in it. She wondered where he was.

  Ready to go searching for him, she noticed a packed travel bag next to the bed. Panicked, she rushed back out toward the study the only other place she thought Ben might be in. Knocking yielded no response. She keyed in the code and opened it.